So, I'm no longer living religious life.

The funny thing about hosting a blog is that it can be kind of burdensome that I'm writing for a particular audience. It's the paradox between obligation and non-obligation all at the same time. The one thing that I ask of you all the time is to pray for me. I never specify what that reason is....

As many of you know I was with the Order of the BVM of Mercy not all that long ago and am in a bit of recovery mode at the moment, but at this point, I felt it necessary to explain a few things. Before I do my reflection, I need to write a few things most people aren't familiar with.

a. A religious vocation is not someone that anyone has a right to. That is to say one can be determined to not have a call to a particular religious order for various reasons. These reasons may not be a bad thing. It's just that a particular spirituality or charism does not fit with a particular order or what not. It doesn't mean that the person does not have a religious vocation, just not to that particular community. Or likewise, it could be the reverse where the order doesn't fit the personality of the person.

b. The American system o economy is really not suited for the Catholic Church and her mission. (More on this point a bit later)...

c. The subjective feelings that I may be going through do not overshadow the objective nature of things learned as well as the various other goods that have happened.

So, I'm sure you have a laundry list of questions for me such as the following:

1. What was living religious life like?
2. Are you going to be joining the diocese or another order soon?
3. What did you learn about yourself?
4. What did you learn about others and living in community?
5. How did you know that you weren't called to that order?
6. Aren't you a bit pissed off?

And many other questions that I'm sure that you want to ask me. Well, I'll answer them within reason.

1 What was living religious life like?

Well, read my other entries on how religious life was. :)

2. Are you going to be joining the diocese or another order soon?

Well, from a legal standpoint, I'm supposed to wait a full year before entering a diocese or religious order. At this point, I'm still recovering from the break up. I won't be thinking about Religious Life for a long time at this point. For those of you that know me in real life, know that I think intensely and am very detailed, and do not like sudden changes.  Perhaps one day I may talk with the soon to be new archbishop of LA about my situation. (Oh yes, that's another thing which I'll talk about later). Perhaps I'll join another religious order, at this point, I don't know.

3. What did you learn about yourself?

There are many characteristics that I've known about myself for a long time. I'm stubborn (in both a good and bad way), I'm a pretty good teacher, I have a love for academia, I'm a night owl, I'm not a people person, I'm quite introverted. I have a hot temper, i'm quite a paradox at times, It's quite interesting how these qualities came to play out in religious life.

a. Stubborness..

Some people like to use the word "control freak" to describe this quality. I'd disagree, I'm just very particular about how things will get done. I'm fine changing something, but I'm not fine with changing in a particular manner. I'm going to go about doing it my way. Let me give an example of this in the academic world. There was a certain professor who thought I was an idiot. So, come the next class, I showed him up. I have a very feisty personality which will fight when I get the chance to prove someone wrong. (Of course later, I got that professor fired). Or another example, if someone tells me, Joe, you should cover that before you put it there. Me hating when others try to read my mind, or assuming that I'm an idiot, will purposely not do something. I taught physics enough to know that 1:30 of uncovered time isn't going to damage anything. It's like moving a stone wall with me at times, but it does move in slow patterns. It took me time to adjust to the dress of religious life. Since I detest suit and tie (I don't mind the suit, tie not so much), I'd do everything in my power to avoid it. Eventually, I adjusted my dress to match everyone elses' (though I was still a bit cold and my knees act up from time to time, so I would have a degree of variation). I never did it to draw attention to myself. I was just merely cold, that's all, and because of the metal in my body, it was necessary that I be warm :).

b. Teaching

As a matheamtician, I always break things down from complex to simple. I was able to sue these skills quite well, in particular in my classes where I did quite well. (I could have done better, if it wasn't for the bell curve in a particular class, but I passed that one). I guess, thinking like a professor helped me to do well with formation academically, and learning what I was learning with the order.

c. my love for academia

I do have a teachers' heart, it's a pretty well known fact about me. I got along well with a particular professor. (My math skills are still fairly sharp, I was able to correctly deduce my prof's age and after doing that, it's no secret why her and I got along so well, we're in the same age bracket.). As much as I complain about the system (and that's quite frequently, and it does need to be changed), I still love those that are in the world, and my heart is in teaching and research. I'm a person when the professor isn't out to kill me and making my life miserable, is quite dedicated to his studies. (more on this point later).

d. Being a night owl

Clearly does not suit well for religious life when one has to be at prayers by 6:30 am. I study better at night than I do in the day time. I'd rather stay up til 3 studying, than go to sleep at 10, period. This was a difficult point of adjustment for me. I'd have periods where I was better than other days, I was starting to get better at it, yet at the same time, once I'm on a roll working, I don't like to stop working. During the day I get distracted because of all the things that I'd like to do, and at night I'm much better able to focus on the things that I'm able to do. I did well in my academic formation classes so I know that the system works. I've tried studying in the day time, it just does not suit myself or personality. I learned this quickly about myself, and pretty much refused to change that aspect of my work ethic. (Work was getting done, and bear in mind I wasn't up every day until 4 am). I've used the stone analogy before. I'm willing to compromise...say 12 instead of 4 to go to sleep...but, studying in the early evening wasn't working for me, and will never work. (I'm a person of extremes).

e. Not a people person/introvert.

One thing that people don't realize is that when people refer to themselves as introverts and extroverts it's not the same thing as being shy. Introversion is the way that one processes information. I do it better when I'm away from people and away from the spotlight. Both of these came to a full understanding during my time in religious life. I like to sit myself in the back away from people, and I did this more than once during community time. For one I like to observe and make detailed notes of what goes on. For another, I'm a bit shy myself and will generally keep to myself unless there's a gun to my head where I have to be with people, or see a situation where being with people would be beneficial. For example, I don't mind teaching students or being in front of people. I love to pass on my knowledge onto someone else. I do mind being the center of attention and the focus of something. Like when priests point me out during the Liturgy, I shy away and hide.

f. hot-headedness

Though no one in the community ticked me off and got to see my hot headednes. Early on in this semester, there was a professor who was testing my patience and was about to find out how hot headed I can be. I don't like being compared to other people or assumed that I'm someone else. I'm different and don't have the same characteristics of everyone else. One thing that drives me crazy is when people place themselves on a pedastool thinking they're God. That will always set me off. As that one professor found out many years ago, when my intelligence is insulted, I swing for a knockout, and I get it 100% of the time. (I got that professor fired, my idea, my work, haha)...Various factors can contribute to that. Considering the fact that I was sick off and on since January didn't help matters for me.

4. What did you learn about living in community and religious life?

It's hard. It's no wonder that religious life is purgatory. It's not easy to live in a house full of guys, and the varying temperaments. Most of the things in this category are inter nos, so I won't talk about them.

5. How did I know I wasn't called to the order?

In religious life, God's will is spoken through our superiors. In this case, the order determining while I had characteristics of a person with a vocation it wasn't to their particular community. I don't leave them on a bad note. I remain friends with everyone in the monastery and hope to maintain some form of connection with them. in what way, I don't know yet, I still have a ton of things to pray about.

6. Aren't you a bit pissed off?

Now that I've had a week to cool off and realize what has happened. I think I'll be okay. God's will be done, not my own will. Whatever it maybe. H.E. Cardinal Mahony will be retiring next Sunday. I'm going to be doing a giant new years' eve type thing wth the ball drop if I can find one for the retirement party, it's going to be great. But I will say this, I gave all of myself that I could, it didn't work out. I'm exhausted at this point. It'd be beneficial, if this was not brought up in actual conversation unless you're "in the circle" or I bring it up in conversation. This will be my final word on religious life for now :)

Anyways, thanks for listening, and joining on this pat of my journey, pray for me as I will pray for you.

May 1st is the date...

For the beatification of soon to be Bl. John Paul II. Now I'm happy and everything don't get me wrong here...

Is it wrong of me to think that there's still a bit of cult of personality left over from all of nearly 6 years ago when he passed away? I know that information can be quickly processed, but I don't really think that 6 years is enough time to be objective towards a person, memories are still fresh in peoples' minds.

Maybe I'm just a bit cynical that his fame overshadowed his holiness (which i have no doubt about). Lest we think being a Saint is about being perfect, in all of the Saints, we can find something (or many things) that they did wrong in their lives, this does not take away from the objective holiness that a Saint had.

I submit to Holy Mother Church when it comes to these matters esp. when my personal opinion differs...there's nothing wrong with one more person in the heavenly army coming to my aid, I need all the help I can get.

Living life crazy loud, like I have the right to

You're probably all wondering how my first vacation back home went...While I will not be telling you all the details of what happened, I'll give you a synopsis of some themes that occured during my vacation.

a. I'm actually appreciated.

I haven't heard this much support of me in many years from anyone. It's almost as if I get used to being attacked and am constantly on seek and destroy mode of whomever to me. I've had former students come up to me and tell me how appreciative they were of me and the things that I did for them. It especially felt good when one of the girls I've helped through rough times caught me at Church and said a simple thank you for all that you've done for me. I of course don't teach or do anything for appreciation, but it's nice to know that I am :)

b. They only make one of you.

Between my near hundreds of lunch dates that I had with various people, there was not enough time in the world to see everyone I wanted to see. (But I got to see everyone I truly needed to see). Another friend of mine also recognized this. Some people got to see me more than others, and that's alright, there's always May.

c. Nothing quite says I love you like a sore back

To which I was able to see my adorable niece and nephews and they climbed all over me (and indeed that's where my sore back comes in). I really do love them, It's hard to say no to their smiles and I'm always happy when they run and give me hugs. (Now to find a good masseuse)

500. There are some that just don't believe you

Even when you tell them you're a s seminarian, have an ID to prove it. Apparently there are some that think I like to play dress up. It's funny, I thought I wasn't supposed to be in cognito on Church grounds. Oh well. (Good thing this wasn't my parish)

e. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Just when you thought things were taking a turn for the better with a new Church, and new vessels. The Precious Blood is STILL poured after the consecration. Though at least they've made an upgrade to a gold pitcher instead of glass now. Half Woot!

f. All it takes is to see the look in someone's eyes.

And a warm embrace to never want to let go and freeze moments in time. insert melted heart

g. The weather in Ca is CLEARLY better than Philly

It doesn't even matter if it's raining on a torential downpour on your date of arrival home. It's still better. :D. Give me 60 and Rain over 30 and cold any day of the week. Just pray I don't slip and fall on the way home. 

h. You can go back home again

And things be the same. Somehow it's thought that who I am would be changed, it hasn't, lol. I still have a ridiculously twisted sense of humor, love to teach, and am just a total geek at heart. (I even have a button to prove it :D

1. I really didn't

Want to go back, leaving home is always difficult. I really wanted to soak up the sun...

j. God's will be done

And not my own...bring on semester 2 of Seminary.

PS

a. Apologies to Emmy, we totally forgot (or rather ran out of time) to do the lay exorcism of the so called Catholic school.

b. Apologies to  Natalie, Shana, Josh, Isaac, Adrian, and anyone else that I didn't get to see during my vacation.

c. I'm not sorry for any trouble or mischief that I caused while I was gone :D

Reflections on a semester of living religious life...the ups..the downs...and what not.

a. If you think that Religious life changes you, and is going to make you like certain things, this is not the case. Perhaps it's better if I say that habits change, but our nature does not. God's grace works with our nature. We become by grace what God is by nature. (Yeah, I've got a LONG way to go). I'm a perfectionist, non-conformist, politically incorrect, ridiculously introverted math and physics geek, lover of Catholicism and all things beauty. This will never change no matter how hard I try. I tolerate being up at 6 am, it doesn't mean I'll be a morning person. (I'm not, sorry the day will NEVER in my mind start before 10..it's no wonder they say that Religious Life is like purgatory)

b. It feels like yesterday, I just started in seminary. I really didn't know what to expect. Secretly I'm a lover of academics (total nerd status). Over the past few years though there really hasn't been much learning other than the straight out bashing of Catholicism by professors and the promotion of all things anti-Catholic and liberal. It was extremely frustrating because of it there were 2 classes I could never pass (English and History). Part of my mind was expecting the same thing, hearing various horror stories from some of my other friends who went to seminary in other places.  (Idk if St John's counts as a seminary, lol). So to my relief when my studies started there wasn't an anti-Catholic agenda being promoted, I was able to relax and concentrate on learning and not having to defend the Church. I loved that. Granted, there are somethings in history class which I disagreed with, but those things in History class were rather disagreement with what happened in history than what's traditionally been promoted as history. In particular when we got to Islam, as someone who has taught math, what is often perceived as math history isn't quite what happened. (For example, the Muslims did NOT invent the zero...The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam, a MUST BUY book)...Which was funny when I presented this and got cut off :(...oh wells.

c. The guys are a good group, all of us are works in progress trying to get to heaven, by the grace of God. Even though for myself, I think there's a great balance that we're all able to co-exist in-spite of our varying opinions on issues. Somehow I'm the most right-winged person in the house, what a surprise. As they've quickly found out, I can EAT :D. I love the community. Even though as I've said before, community is not necessary for my function on a day to day basis, it still doesn't mean that I'm not called to be there. It's funny, most of my friends are older than me with a few exceptions. It's rather strange to be the oldest person in my class of seminarians. We all know how I feel about attention, and being noticed. (Which is odd since I'm religious now, I get more attention than ever). In short it's a paradox between all things.

d. Of course religious life has also pointed to the fact that there are certain wounds that do need to be healed. Believe me, the temptations to leave have been numerous. I've decided that I'm going to stick out the year regardless, and come retreat time, I'll find out one way or the other what I'm supposed to do next. Someone once asked, what would it take for me to leave? Effectively, it'd take a cloning of one of 3 people I know in order for that to happen. I will not reveal who these 3 people are. As I've said before, Religious life doesn't change you. The question is not whether I want a family, the question is does God want me to give myself to Him fully and in a deeper sense. Of course that I can't tell you at this point.

e. One thing that I've been reminded of is that I'm loved, by many people. Sometimes I tend to forget that. I've received many cards from people and I'm glad that I know these people and have made the many friends that I have made over the years. I'm forever grateful to Emmy, Megan, Rosanna, Janice, and my SD for putting up with me and my various rants over the years...esp this semester and this year as I've been going through discernment.You think this semester was bad, just wait until 18 units of fun next semester :D

f. A few thoughts I'll leave you with...

1. You may not realize how much pain you've caused by silence.
2. God works with nature
3. All things are possible with the grace of God
4. The story doesn't have an ending yet.